none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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