if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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