What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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