Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen