i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.