You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router