Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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