Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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