my phone needs a breathalizer
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
