tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
