I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
