"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize