Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
