i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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