I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
