Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
