I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
