I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
