If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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