dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
