I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
