the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
