My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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