Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
