FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
