I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
