my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
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I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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