I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
