actually, I'm a sock model
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
