I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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