My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
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The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
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How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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