dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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