Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
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Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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