someone get that fucking seahorse.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
