I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You have to summon your inner elephant
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
