A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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