this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
