We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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