I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
