Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
