I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
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I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
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Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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