I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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