Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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