You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
