no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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