Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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