drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
