i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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