Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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