we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
