I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
