I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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