its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
