this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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