I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
