Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
