I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
