hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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