I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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