is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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