Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
